I'm just saying, he is my everything.
I hate working, or maybe its I hate my job. I'm not sure. But when i'm with Blaiden I feel like I belong. Recently I made a big decision to let my car get repo'ed. I know it sounds awful but really I cant afford it anymore, The payment, the repairs, it's out of control. The brakes went last along with the rotors and before that, the trunk opens refusing to let me start the car, shifting to only 3rd (when it has 6 speeds) leaking oil, the axel is leaking, the front left tire wears faster then it should, beyond electrical malfunctions and the dealer has refused to work with me since day 1. So instead of whining and complaining anymore, I'm just flat out over having a car that is not safe to drive nor dependable. So that is that! Having no car is really gonna be hard, its also why i'm chosing to take 6 weeks LOA at work, I really need to decide if working is for me, or if i'm willing to make some financial sacrifices to be happy at home with Blaiden. Also, i'm a wopping 94lbs and Its gotta be the stress. I feel better as a person but the drive to work and the being away from blaiden is killing me, I hate eating, but im eating. Sleeping is getting easier, thank buddha.
I'm also thinking of exploring religions, or more of a spiritual gateway. Buddhism, seems promising. Don't judge me, it's my life. I chose awhile ago, this is my life and i'm not gonna live to impress others, I know who I am. I for ALONG time expected so much on a relationship level or support level from the wrong people. Again, i'm all over the place with this blog/letter to myself. But It's kinda the way things are up in my brain lately, but I like it, things make sense here. I have a different way of thinking, i'm okay with that. The ones who understand is who I chose :)
I like the way I've chosen to raise Blaiden, choices i've made for him and my beliefs in parenting. I will continue to make my own decisions for him, I will not compromise for him :)
He is amazingly smart! Starting to attempt walking at only 10 months, he still doesn't have any teeth. He loves to play, and more so he loves the kitties. Words are flowing. Dada, kitty, again, in, more, dexter, up, ya, so many many words are starting to be clear. But he refuses to say mamma! Little turd, its okay I know he loves me. He got his first bloody nose last week, tried to kiss his ducky and missed and hit the floor :( It was awful, for me.
Christmas is only 6 days away and i'm so unprepared! My own fault of course, I messed up the bank account. Paid the mortgage twice! So i'll be doing late christmas shopping , but at least I will get to! I'm really just into making it amazing for the little ones this year. I think the fact that everyone together just hanging out is gonna be the perfect gift for me, but I accept anything ;) Lol Christmas day wont be go go go BUT christmas eve will, it's everything I didnt want. But other people have their traditions and such, so I just need to make sure i'm ready prior. :/
We will see.
Okay well I may have spilled enough for now, I'm gonna go clean now. Seriously need to get this playroom ready for the TOYS!
xxoo
Me
